Eighty-Nine, Ninety-Nine

Author: Mark Barlex

Mark Barlex began writing fiction in 2021. His stories have appeared in Bandit Fiction, Flash Fiction North, Your Fire Magazine, Scribble, Coalition Works, Litmora, Roi Fainéant, and performed at Liars’ League events in London. He was a semi-finalist in the Wergle Flump Humor Poetry competition, shortlisted for the Bath Flash Fiction Award, and runner-up in the Missouri Review Jeffery E Smith Editors’ Prize.

Eighty-Nine, Ninety-Nine

Per hour, plus parking.
No VAT.
I’m not registered.
Don’t read anything into that.

So, if your doors are sticking I could take them all off and sand down the edges.
Or just loosen the house for you.
I could loosen the house.
The whole house.
Yes, all of it.
Yes, all these big semis have a lever which loosens them or tightens them up, depending which way you turn it.
They do.
They actually do.
Sand all the doors?
Two weeks minimum.
Turn the lever?
One hour tops.
Eighty-nine, ninety-nine, plus parking.
No VAT.
I’m not registered.
No really, don’t read anything into that.

*

So I’m looking for a lever.
Probably under the stairs.
That’s the stopcock.
It turns the water off and on.
It actually does.
That’s the gas main.
Don’t touch that.
Shall we look in the kitchen?
Is this all new?
How practical is the marble?
Two sinks?
Realistically, how often do you wash up in one and rinse pasta in the other?
Fair enough.
Anyway, I can’t see a lever in here.
Maybe outside.

*

Ah.
There it is.
On the back of the house.
Classic Victorian.
Edwardian?
When in 1901?
Sure, he acceded to the throne in January but he wasn’t crowned until August.
It depends on your definition of “reign”, I suppose.
Eighty-nine, ninety-nine, plus …
Yes, we’ve started.
Sure, let’s get on with it.

*

So I’m going to move this lever clockwise while you open and close that door to see if it makes a difference.
The door will be stuck.
Because I haven’t moved the lever yet.
Because it’s very stiff.
Because you haven’t oiled it.
No, I haven’t got any oil.
But I have got this mallet.
Sometimes you need to be firm.
Yes, I know what I’m doing.
I’ll start by tapping gently.
It’s an art, not a science.
There, it’s budging.
A little firmer.
One big whack for luck.
Now try the door.
You’re welcome.
Now, if you start checking all the other …
Wow …
That was loud.
Well, I’d say it sounded like lots of heavy things falling onto a hard surface, plus shouting and breaking glass.
Out there in the road, yes.
I agree, we should take a look.

*

So what’s happened is the whole front of your house has fallen off.
And some of next-door.
Well, there’s no other way to put it; everything that made up the front of your house is now on the pavement and in the road.
Yes, all the bricks and the windows.
You did ask for loose.
Agreed, not funny.
No, never before.
Not this much, anyway.
I see you did your loft.
We’ve got that wallpaper.
‘Disaster’ is an emotive word.
Is that your car?
No, I parked over there.
Don’t read anything into that either.